Wednesday, 23 March 2011

We're like strangers.

I haven't really blogged in a while. I think it's because I've been a bit too emotional and I know that I would have let the dominate my blog and reveal more than I would actually intend to reveal about myself. However, that's probably exactly what I'm going to do now, because if I can't write into the empty void of my blog, then what can I do?

Looking at my other posts I can't believe the tone I use and the enthusiasm. I've just not been feeling that way at all recently. I remember at the start of this year I was really excited about the potential of everything, I was super confident again and for the very first time in about five years I was truly and sincerely happy. It's not to say that I'm not now but I don't feel like the shiny new spark that I was then. It's like I've reached an emotional deadspace or something.

I have everything that I've wanted in the last six years. Everything. And yet it doesn't really feel like it's enough. Infact it doesn't really feel like I thought it would. I didn't realise how much work everything is. Uni, people, everything. Everything needs so much commitment and drive and in my most self doubting moments sometimes I don't have it in me. I seem to be pushing things away and my effort to be 'good' is wasted because it results in just horrificness to be honest.

So I don't know. It's not even as if I'm in a rut. It's more a case of "what now? What more do you want from me, eh? What more could I possibly give? What am I supposed to do now? What do I do next?"

I've had to train myself as well and it's particularly different at the moment to keep doing mind exercises and stay positive and don't let the negative thoughts consume me. They're always there. And they weren't for a while but the minute I indulge in one I'm stuck in a swamp of them. I sink into it.

I don't really feel like myself. I don't really know what I want to do about anything anymore. I don't look the way I want to. Infact it's the first time in my life I've been overtly insecure about my looks in a way that it's effecting my daily life. This has never happened to me before. Infact in January I was so confident about my looks and my body. I wasn't being arrogant but for the first time I was sincerely comfortable in my own skin.

I have never been this insecure before. Never.

The only thing I can really think to do about any of this is wallow and be sad, because for me there's a kind of comfort in that, I've been doing it for years, but the more I do it the more I'm pushing people away. Even this blog entry is dangerous because it is too self indulgent and it is wallow worthy. I can't really do that anymore, but I don't have any other kind of coping mechanism.

I am going to keep doing my exercises and try and push passed this as much as a I can with as litle damage as possible. I'm sure I can do that.

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