Dear Immune System,
I've known about you for a very long time but I've yet to understand you. We've been through a lot, you and me. Like comrades, we've fought some wars together. Some bloody, some bacterial (lovely). You were with me that time when I was three, and sliced my nose clean open on a church gate. You managed to heal me up, not let any infection get in and things were pretty jolly. You were there that time I burst my lip twice within two weeks. Minus a little scar, you managed to keep things ticking along pretty well there. Injuries are good, you're a fucking wizard when it comes to them.
Give you a simple task to do like, Oh, I don't know keep germs from eating my appendix and things get a little more trickier. Suddenly we're not longer comrades, my dear. You're the drunken solider that manages to fall asleep in the trenches. When I was 10, and my appendix went "KABLAAAAM" that was pretty bad. After that little episode we all figured, hey now, you dropped the ball there but the body's on the mend now so the system will do its job. OH NO. NO. SORRY. That was too much to ask, wasn't it!? No. I had a lovely infection and left with a mess of a stomach. Cheers immune system. Cheers.
Sigh. I got over it though, I really did. I had to, because you're the only immune system I have. We had some good years together after that. A virus here and there, maybe a little cough or cold. Kids stuff. You sobered up, fought it off and we did a fucking jig. In the last three years, my pet, you've let the side down. No, you have. See all the other immune systems out there, with all the healthy people? Yeah? See them pointing and laughing at you? Yeah? GOOD. Does it make you feel like less of a functioning system? HM?! DOES IT?! Good. Quite right too. You've gotten lazy. You're wasting your life, listening to that rock and roll, smoking those cigarettes, drinking those poisonous drinks - you're going crazy. You're rebelling against your own system! Stop partying with those antigens, they're bad eggs!
10 chest infections in three years isn't doing your job, immune system. A week long struggle with tonsilitus isn't doing your job, immune system. Infact, if anything you're a liablity to this poor body I'm stuck in.
Brain does alright, makes some rubbish decisions sometimes, but overall he's pretty good.
Heart - no problems there, beating away like there's no tomorrow.
Think about them next time you decide to get distracted. Phagocytes, lympocytes... I expected better from both of you. I think it's time that we part ways, my poor system. It's quite clear that your lifestyle is just too much for us both. We've been through a lot, yes but...
Well, basically you're shit and I hate you.
I WANT A NEW IMMUNE SYSTEM PLEASE.
Preferably made by Apple. Mmm. Shiny.
Lots of loathing, your ex